As I’m sure you’re aware, there’s this post, “13 Things a Woman Can Do to be More Attractive to Men“, that has been going around since July.
If you have not, I will give you a few minutes to read it right now. Go ahead. It’s right here.
Are you speechless too? (If you are not in utter shock right now, maybe just give up on reading this while you still can. You don’t belong here).
It was originally posted on Thought Catalog by a man named “John Smith”. I say “John Smith” because I cannot find any information on this guy, which tells me that he’s using a (very unimaginative) pseudonym. So Mr. John Smith, you had enough gall to post something called “13 Things a Woman Can Do to be More Attractive to Men”, but you don’t have enough balls to post your actual name? Okay.
I thought I’d go ahead and write a little response to the 13 “requirements” he has for the ladies he dates. There’s actually quite a few on the internet already, but most of them are titled something along the lines of “13 Things a Man Can Do to be More Attractive to Women”, which is just as sexist as the original post. In order to not be a hypocrite, I decided to take a different approach.
1. Stay in Shape: In a world where women are objectified and judged every single day for their appearance, it’s time that we had somebody on our side telling us that we’re beautiful and worthy, regardless of our appearance. It is not your boyfriend’s or husband’s job to tell you to work out or eat well. It is not any man’s job. How you choose to live your life is up to you. Yes, I like working out and being fit because I like how I look and it makes me happy. However, I do not do it to be more appealing to men. If your guy is telling you to work out now, what will be his response when you have a little baby weight leftover in 10 years? If I want some greasy potato chips, I’ll eat them dammit.
2. Lay Off the Body Modification: If I want tattoos, piercings, and pink hair, I sure as hell am going to do it. Who are you to tell me how I should look or live my life? Who are you to speak for all men? (I know quite a few men who are into piercings and tattoos). How I change my body is up to me. Not any other person. Ever.
3. Make Your Own Money: Oh trust me, John. I plan on it. God forbid any poor woman have to rely on some small-minded asshole like you to get by. Yes, I’m getting an education. Yes, I plan on making my own money. No, I am not doing it to attract guys. (Sorry to burst your bubble).
4. Be Feminine: Oh really, John? Men date women because they want to date women? That’s revolutionary! I’m so glad that you’re here to point that out to us! Thank you.
In other words, are you serious? If I want to do a stereotypical “male” activity like going to a football game with my girlfriends instead of having a naked pillow fight (which I’m sure is what you think happens when I hang out with my girlfriends), I sure as hell am going to. (You might want to stay away from me, John. I might have a hidden penis somewhere).
5. Be Submissive: Sorry if you’re reading this grandma, but are you fucking kidding me? You’re telling me that I have to be submissive? I truly have no words for this one.
Wait, yes I do! Being submissive has not turned into a negative word, Mr. Smith. It has always been a negative word. Couples do things for each other because they love each other, not because they’re “giving in”. At this point I’m assuming that you have not actually been in a single healthy relationship.
6. Sex Life: Oh, so you are allowed to sleep with as many women as you want, but women are not allowed to do the same? Thanks for telling me what I can and cannot do with my body! I love it when cowardly assholes hide behind their computer screens and tell girls how many people they can sleep with! Thank God you’re here!
Once again, what I do with my body is no man’s (or person’s) business. And you’re right, Mr. Smith. Life isn’t fair. The fact that we have to deal with people like you proves that.
7. Be Intelligent: That’s a lot coming from a guy who is (quite obviously) not intelligent.
8. Be Childfree: Sorry ladies. John Smith has spoken, and if you have children, you are screwed. No boys for you. Contrary to Mr. Smith’s beliefs, there are plenty of single men with kids that are looking for you. There are plenty of single men without kids that are looking for you. If they have a problem with your kid, then they probably don’t have any business being a part of your life anyways.
Also, can we acknowledge that he actually put the sentence, “The bottom line is that you have a child, and it does not belong to the eligible bachelors out there” in his post? If any man says this to you, give him a good kick in the balls. We don’t need any mini “John Smiths” running around.
9. Be Willing to Cook at Least 3 Times a Week: So as a woman I have to work, get an education, stay in shape, and cook at least 3 times a week for you? And what are you doing exactly? I cook because it’s one of my favorite things to do. I cook for boyfriends because I appreciate them and love them and want to show that . It is not my job. If a lady doesn’t like to cook, she damn well doesn’t have to.
10. Put Down the Phone: As an educated lady with a job, I sometimes have to be on the phone. I may be waiting on an important phone call from work or school. Sometimes, while on a date, a boy hasn’t said anything to me in 17 minutes so I reply to a text message real quick. Are you really blaming this on girls as a whole? Do you know how many boys have picked up their phone while I was in the middle of a sentence? (And thanks Mr. Smith. I know that red light is ahead of me. I have eyeballs and they sure as hell aren’t on my phone while I’m driving).
11. Ease Up on the Makeup: Oh great! The “less is more” thing that some guys like to pull right before they tell you how hot Kim Kardashian is. I wear my makeup how I wear my makeup. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to. I’m not wearing it for you.
12. Stop Cussing: Fuuuck you. Just because I cuss does not make me any less of a lady. Being a lady is being a good person, and having respect for others (which I’m sure is a foreign concept to you). I can be a lady and say whatever the hell I want. (Nice double standard by the way).
13. Stop Hoarding Guy Friends: “9 out of 10 of your guy friends just want to sleep with you anyways. Men know how other men think”. Mr. Smith, do you know how many times I have heard this? Do you know how much I want to punch your goddamn face in every single time I hear this coming from your mouth? I will be friends with whoever I want. If it’s that big of a problem, you really do not belong in my life.
As for the “6 Preemptive Answering to Counterargument Sound Bites”:
Thank you so much for proving how small-minded and unintelligent you are. I feel truly and deeply sad for any woman who has the misfortune of dating somebody who is as awful as you are. But as for you, I’m sorry about the rest of your life. I can only imagine how insecure and desperate you are.
But thanks for giving me something to laugh at anyways.
*Thought Catalog posted another article with women’s responses to John Smith’s, which is also pretty amusing.*
Thanks for reading guys. Let’s just remember that gender equality is an issue for everyone, not just women. The more accepting we become as human beings, the more peaceful our lives will be.