Today (tonight) (at midnight) I will be talking to you about bodies!
Mostly your body (or my body in my case) and insecurities and confidence.
But first, about these pictures……
I decided that I wanted some updated piano pictures of me. The only ones I have are old, and since playing piano (and music in general) is a huge passion of mine, I wanted some for general uses.
As for my outfit: I decided to stage the pictures to look how I would in every day life. Generally, if I’m at home, I’m wearing comfortable clothing. I especially love sweaters, socks, leggings, flannels, etc. Hence the sweater and socks. I also decided to keep my piano how it looks like if you walk into my house. I decorated it a little differently than I normally do, but this is what my life looks like on an average day.
(I also tried pictures with nothing on my piano, which turned out pretty boring.)
Now on to bodies! While taking these pictures, I was kind of nervous. 1. My hair was a mess and kind of wavy from having it in a ponytail all night. 2. My makeup was not as perfect as I would normally like for pictures, and 3. I wasn’t sure if the outfit would end up looking like I was trying too hard to be “sexy” (you know, in that way you see girls looking on the Urban Outfitters website like they’re so nonchalantly sitting in a meadow or something wearing a t-shirt and their underwear). I was worried that having thigh high socks on with really short shorts would seem slutty, or if I would be judged by others based on my looks. I’m not a model, after all.
In addition to be worried about my hair/makeup/outfit, I was worried about my body. Under no circumstances have I ever felt that I am overweight, or thought that I had anything truly wrong with my body.
But like most people, I have wanted to change some things about my body. I have wanted my legs to be longer and my midsection to be curvier. My body in general to be curvier. I have wanted to be taller, bigger boobs, prettier skin, skinnier thighs. Even though I am small, I have still had insecurities.
Every time I have expressed these, I always get things like, “But you’re so skinny!” “You’re so little!” “You’re like, what, 100 pounds?”
And while all of those things are true (because I am naturally that way), I still have had insecurities about my body. There seems to be this misunderstanding that being small/skinny/little means we do not have insecurities. But being small/skinny/little oftentimes means having no boobs/butt/curves. It oftentimes means that we have bodies similar to that of 13 year old girls.
And listening to somebody complain about their flaws they have for themselves while undermining the flaws I have for myself is a little bit annoying.
And while taking these pictures, all I could think was, “Will these look okay?” Because I knew that I would not look like those models on the internet, whose legs go on forever. Who have meticulously applied eyeliner and mascara to look like they aren’t wearing any at all. Whose hair is perfectly tousled because they “woke up like this”.
But when I actually took a look at the pictures, I didn’t care at all.
Because I loved how I looked in the photos. I loved my wavy hair. I loved that my body looked like mine. I loved how my legs didn’t go on forever, and my sweater was baggy, and my makeup wasn’t perfect. Because I’m not a model.
I love how if any of you were to see me in real person, you would still recognize me from these pictures.
For the last year or so, I have become so incredibly confident about my body. I find myself judging my “flaws” less and less. Because they are not flaws. They’re made up problems that I have in my own head. They’re not real. They’re only real to me because I let them be that way.
I’m not sure where it came from exactly, but I have some ideas. For starters, at the beginning of last year, I broke off a couple bad relationships (one in particular that made me feel especially bad about myself). I formed some new great ones. I had people in my life who made me feel beautiful and empowered. They reminded me that I was beautiful and liked me for things I didn’t even like about myself. They encouraged me. Out with the negative, in with the positive. Some of those people aren’t really in my life anymore, even just a year later, but they still had a huge impact on my confidence, and I am so grateful to them for that.
I also just decided that I was fed up with the discouragement I was giving myself. I was tired of the bullshit that I kept telling myself over and over. I decided to learn to love myself for who I am.
So while I’m sure it’s nice to be tall with perfect curves and long legs, I don’t care because I am who I am. I love being the cute small girl with bangs and oxfords. I like that I am different.
And I like that these photos came out kind of sexy.
Not lingerie-in-your-face-obvious kind of sexy, but subtly sexy. Like how girls actually look when we’re hanging around our house (because unlike girls in movies/ads/perfume commercials, we don’t just hang out in lacy underwear all day with a perfect chignon and red lipstick).
Ever since I have started loving my body, I have been so much happier. Every time I think about something I would like to change, I can so easily ignore the negative thoughts. Of course, I still have my bad days. But I always know that I’m still pretty in my own unique way.
I’m fit, I’m healthy, and I like who I am as a person.
Sweater: Forever 21 Shorts: Old Socks: American Apparel
And I love these pictures, dammit.
The whole point of this is that we cannot change the way we were made. It’s easier to learn to love your body than to obsess over how much it bothers you.
I ♥♥♥ my body.
I hope you love, or can learn to love yours too.
Because as cliche as this seems, everyone is beautiful.
Song of the Day: “Body”–Karen O (more about relationships than anything, but empowering nonetheless).